• Euro Cup 2012

    The End of Football

    by  • June 27, 2012 • Euro Cup 2012, Features, Futbol, Ian Orti • 1 Comment

    We care about football0001 (1)

    I AM ABOUT to do two things. First, I will permanently alienate myself from the world of footballfutbolsoccer journalism by calling out this sport as the most boring sport played on a rectangular field. I will call out its players for being the weakest of all pro sports athletes. I will call out the...

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    Euro 2012 Day 14: Ronaldo! Ronaldo! Ronaldo!

    by  • June 22, 2012 • Euro Cup 2012, Futbol, Ian Orti • 0 Comments

    Orti on the lam0001

    Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo.Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldo’s hair. Ronaldo’s eyes. Ronaldo’s situps. Ronaldo’s diet. Ronaldo’s speed. Ronaldo Rondaldo Ronaldo! Ronaldo’s socks Ronaldo’s shoulders and cletes, Ronaldo Ronaldo! Ohhhhhhh Ronaldo! Cristiano! Cristiano! Cristiano! Enough with the media boner for Cristiano Ronaldo. There are eleven players on a football field. Everytime...

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    Euro 2012 Day 11: British Cuisine

    by  • June 19, 2012 • Euro Cup 2012, Futbol, Ian Orti • 0 Comments

    Orti on the lam0001

    HERE’S THE LAY OF THE LAND, going into to Tuesday’s knockout matchups: If Roy Hodgson eats a cheesy bean surprise on game-day morning and French substitute and rising Newcastle United prospect Hatem Ben Arfa butters his toast with any butter substitute containing 20-30% less fat than regular butter then England will advance. If he...

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    Euro 2012 Day 7: Fuck Spain

    by  • June 15, 2012 • Euro Cup 2012, Futbol, Ian Orti • 0 Comments

    Orti on the lam0001

    Fuck you, Spain. Fuck your red shirts and your Ole-Ole-Oleing up and down the goddamn streets and stadiums and bars and cafes of Europe and fuck your bailout you said you’d never get and finally did and your tomato throwing economy that was supposed to shine but is really only shit and fuck your...

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    Euro 2012 Day 6: The Eurogram

    by  • June 14, 2012 • Euro Cup 2012, Futbol, Ian Orti • 0 Comments

    Orti on the lam0001

    “Prblm w Michelle STOP +Intrpl STOP arrst attmpt made STOP mngd escape STOP Ptgl32 STOP GR2NDL1 STOP Mstwn4Ire v Sp STOP ItprobswCro STOP Dsprt STOP Hngry STOP fnds low STOP snd E’s.” Editor’s Note: We’ve spent the morning trying to decipher a telegram received from Orti today. Based on his method of communication we...

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    Euro 2012 Day 5: Football is Gay

    by  • June 13, 2012 • Euro Cup 2012, Futbol, Ian Orti • 0 Comments

    EuroOrti0001

    Day 5 sees cans of worms opened and a rare surgical procedure to remove a  foot from the mouth of a Polish mayor. Antonio Cassano’s statement that he hoped there were no gay players on the Italian national team opened the sport’s proverbial worm can Tuesday night. To Italy’s credit, coach Cesare Prandelli, openly...

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