The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheapthroat” here.

12:00PM — Got up. Had three coffees and a box of Sudafed before I remembered there was no practice today. Washed the Maserati. Called agent to see if there were any jobs I could take away from old friends in Europe. Watched Ellen.

Created myself in NHL2K12. Rose up the minor league ranks by lunchtime. Beat the shit out PK Subban in my first game. It’s not racism. I just don’t like the guy. Then GM traded me to the Habs. Still refuse to pass him the puck. So confused.

5:15PM — Made pasta. Ate it. Made more pasta. Ate it. Will probably have more pasta later. But where will these carbs go? Am I getting fat? Should work out. Big lats day. Yes. Will have a big lats day. Maybe hammer out some calves and do some burpees. Then finish Anna Karenina.

7:18PM — Homeless guy asked me for money. Said i had none. Jesus. I mean, I had no change. But was I being honest? My first contract was $847,000. I should probably carry more change.

8:12PM — Mum called. That was tough. She’s worried, offered to bring over soup. I said I’m okay. Thinking about maybe going to Sweden or Russia, I said. She said that would be good. Take my mind off things. Mom always knows. I hope she brings the soup.

10:38PM — Finally finished Gravity’s Rainbow. At least this lockout is good for something. Next: Infinite Jest. Obvs.

11:51PM — If women dig me because I’m a hockey player, but I’m not actually, you know, playing hockey, will women still dig me?

Further Reading:

• “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
• “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
• The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event