The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.
9:35AM — Maybe I should start playing minor league baseball. A maybe I could get a tryout with the Jays. I mean, they suck enough to let me play left field. Michael Jordan left the NBA to play ball. Of course, that was because he had a gambling addiction and ties to the mob that led to his father’s murder. And he only made it as high as AA. Why does he have that Hitler moustache?
11:18AM — What’s the deal with Jay Onrait? Is he, like, retarded? Can you still use that word, retarded?
12:33PM — I hear they’re going to cancel the rest of the exhibition games. I bet the Leafs put out a release claiming an undefeated preseason. Plan the parade route up Yonge.
1:11PM — Watched this show Last Resort on ABC last night. Some navy dudes with a nuclear sub with missiles and shit get attacked by the US, and then there’s, like, the Third World War, and then the dudes from Felicity and Homicide move to the island they filmed Lost on. I want to go to Cuba.
2:23PM — If you bang a chick, and you don’t call her back the next day, can you call her the following day to bang her again? Got a date tonight. Just wondering.
3:14PM — BON IVER BROKE UP??!!!?!? WTF? That dude sings how I feel.
3:15PM — The boys are gonna give me the gears pretty good for that last one.
3:16PM — Jake Gardiner listens to Bieber. He got it good for that, I hear. Most the Alberta boys dig country, like, Toby Keith and Paul Brandt. I hate that shit. But WHL boys always dominate the room’s stereo. Brad Marchand cranks, absolutely cranks, Anne Murray. For serious. And sings along. That dude has issues. He’s got bodies buried somewhere. I bet he kills ants with a magnifying glass, for sure. In a scrum once, he whispered in my ear that he wanted to do me. Like, do me like a boy does a girl. And I think he was totes serious. Totes.
7:44PM — Another time, he skated by the bench and told me he wanted to have my babies. But, it wasn’t gay, likes. More like, he wanted me to meet a nice girl, buy a house, have some kids, and then Marchand was going to steal my kids. Seriously. Marchand will serve time in an asylum before the decade is out.
8:09PM — One other time, at this media event we were both at, Marchand exposed himself to a water cooler.
8:29PM — One more Marshy story. I heard that when he was in the Q with the Mooseheads, he spent an entire roadtrip riding ON TOP of the team bus. Even slept up there. Had a little sleeping bag/tent deal set up. Even brought a girl back from the bar in Chicoutimi and had her right there on top the bus. Wasn’t a looker, but still. Bus driver has pictures. Not photos, but, like, illustrations.
11:34PM — Okay, that’s it for me. Railing some Ambien, putting on Felicity Season 2 DVD, and going to bed.
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer” Read all the other entries here.
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event