The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.

9:33AM — No entry yesterday. Not on Day 13. Don’t dig on 13s. Don’t roll on Shabbos. Don’t change my gitch on a winning streak. Bust slumps with the same chick. Tape my hands the same way. My stick the same way. Eleventh player on the ice, every game.

1:30PM — Went to mass with Dad then said goodbye. He’s going to stay at the cottage until baseball ends. He says he doesn’t ask for much in the world, he just wants the Yankees to lose and for Bettman to lose his job. Dad calls him little Napoleon. I tell Dad to watch Napoleon Dynamite on BlueRay.

3:40PM — Is there anything better in this world than driving down the highway with the windows rolled down singing at the top of your lungs. Only thing better would be to have a dog in the back, with its face all flappy in the wind. Riding in the back of a truck is a game 7 OT winner for dogs.

7:34PM — Got back home. It’s amazing how different this place feels now. I need to take the pictures out of the frames that came with the frames and put in some of my own. Found another flatscreen.Should probably put some controls on my internet. Meh, fuggit. Will put it in the bathroom.

11:00PM — Took the flatscreen into the bathroom and leaned it on the washing machine and watched Braveheart while soaking in the tub. Acted out the last ‘Freedom!’ line myself while in the tub. I was pretty good til I started choking on the water.

11:45PM — Found some pot in some old jeans I slipped on after the bath. What the fuck, it’s the lockout. No papers. Will figure something out.

11:59PM — Ski goggles. Check. Oven mits. Check. Muffuggin BT’s baby!

12:30AM — Pizza. Except, not pizza. Something better. Class it up. You’re in the show kid. show em how classy you are. You should see me seeing me see myself in the mirror. I’m like Robert friggin DeNiro before the K120 ski jump in Innsbruck.

1:15AM — Pad Thai arrives.

1:19AM — General Tao chicken arrives. 12 dumplings.

1:21AM — Missed text from Dad. ‘What the fuck does this Napoleon Dynamite shit have to do with Gary Bettman? Is he supposed to be the little Mexican who runs for president?’

Further Reading:

• “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
• “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
• The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event