• Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer, Day 16

    by  • October 2, 2012 • Cheap Throat, Hockey • 0 Comments

    The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheapthroat” here.

    8:10AM — Wake up. 12 eggs, not 24. 24 strips of bacon. Man, bacon must be to a Jew or Muslim what a kid is to a Catholic priest.


    8:11AM — Forget I said that.


    8:13AM — Review non-disclosure contract with Barnstormer. I hope this thing has teeth.


    11:56AM — First day without a paycheque. Checked accounts. $3,996,656 in chequing, but I still have $150K in savings I’m going to hold on to for a rainy day. That was with the trip to Dad’s AND rent. Fuck a mortgage. The league thinks if some of the boys go without a paycheck for a few weeks we’ll give in to their demands. If I limit my spending to what someone who makes 40K after taxes would spend, I should be good for another hundred years. How long can the owners hold out?


    12:30PM — Sportsnet. Then practiced drawing Garfield. League revenues are up 50% since lockout to over $3B and we’re asked to take a rollback. Here’s the problem. Top 10 money-making teams contribute to a pool 15 bottom-feeders collect from unless they’re in markets with more than 2.5 million meaning Rangers, Islanders, Hawks, Kings, Stars, Devils, Flyers, Ducks and Sharks can only give and not receive. It’s a dumb clause worked out by owners among themselves that us guys are being asked to make up for. Further, NFL, the Cuba of pro sports, pools something like  80% of its revenue to be shared among the league. NBA is something like 50% and MLB shares around 30%. Owners in the NHL share about 15% and even if you’re a team in a big market struggling then you’re getting nothing. Here’s what no one wants to tell you. The problem is the owners not wanting to share with other owners. No one wants to bail out the newbies in Nashville or Phoenix because the NHL is the oldest old boys club going. Can’t blame em for not wanting to share with shit-market teams but still. There’s money to go around if every owner pitches in without asking players to take a paycut in a league that can’t survive without us.


    4:35PM — Rest day for Fatty Damascus. He’s 40 games in on the second line after one day of play. 5 goals, 12 helpers. Not bad for our war-torn rookie.


    4:47PM — Fuck it. Shooting drills for fatty. No one makes the show by resting. No joke, I could hear Fatty’s voice say this to me on the bike. Oh yeah, The NEW BIKE. The NEW MICHAEL RYDSEY! Specialized Stumpjumper FSR Comp 29 full-suspension 29, dropped downtube, custom SRAM S-1250 XC Trail double crankset adjustable X9 shifter. Seriously, who wants to fuck me?

    5:12PM — I just fucked myself.

    7:30PM — Rode bike to get pizza. Killed pizza. Thought more of Fatty Damascus. Could swear I saw him sitting across from me telling me how thankful he was I took him under my wing. Says if he makes it to the show he’ll wear my number. Fuckin kid. Love em to death.

    Further Reading:

    Cheap Throat


    Cheap Throat is a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever.

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