The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.

8:05AM — Well there go the first 82 games of the season. Tell ya I’d like to see show a set during this thing: an owner. All of em under gag order by Genny Bettman. Classy.

2:00PM — I tell you what will be classy. Me in Vegas in 12 hours. Got a call from a few of the boys. This could get ugly. I hope it gets ugly. Seen The Hangover? I wouldn’t mind if it got that ugly. Been that ugly before. I’m kind of at my best when I’m that ugly.

3:15PM — Lockout beard more like lockout stubble. I look kind of creepy. But a lot of the ladies are into that. Let’s face it, I’m no Justin Bieber. I can almost touch my knees with my finger tips standing straight up. I lean a bit to the side and I can definitely do it. Some guys got hands. I got arms.

4:50PM — What was so great about Gatsby?

8:30PM — I ate too much. I do this sometimes. I eat too much. I need to not eat so much. I should go for a run.

9:14PM — Ran. Puked. I should wait longer before I run after eating so much. Some stuff I evidently did not  even chew. I think I even saw pepper on one chunk.

11:40PM — Packed for Vegas. Brought A Game, B Game, and pool Game. There is no C-Game. I make it a point to always dress minimum B-Game. Seen me in a suit before games? That’s my A-minus game. I can’t even tell you what my A Game is but it does vary. One rule: no pleats. Also…suit vest, while in most guy’s A Game, is my B Game. It’s practically my C-Game if I wear it with a t-shirt. Will have to bring the neck up on the lockout beard. And down on the cheeks – just a bit. 

12:00AM — Major laceration shaving. Honestly thought that might be the end. Bad call shaving by candlelight.

1:30AM — If I had to wager a guess, I’d say sex with at least two women is possible on a three day trip. Unpaid. Normally, this weekend I’d be doing skating drills and standing in a shower full of grown men watching [name deleted] trying to towel flick some rookie’s knob. [name deleted] is a bit of an assassin with that towel. Most rookies know to wear a jock in the shower. No one knows who tells them, they just know. But this weekend will be different. I will keep the spending low. Try not to spend more that ten or twelve G’s max.

Further Reading:

• “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
• “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
• The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event