The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.
8:55AM — I have to say it: I love the smell of Starbucks. Thinking of telling my agent that, hooking me up with a commercial or something. Free Starbucks for life. Boom.
9:40AM — SkyMall would be a really easy way to blow a lot of money. Oh man, lawn aeration sandals and an inflatable neck massager and a really sweet leather aviator jacket. So awesome. Have to keep it in mind for Christmas shopping.
10:14AM — Really nice guy sitting next to me on the flight is a good listener. His name is Larry. Larry listened while I told him all about Esmerelda and also Inez and about going home to see mum and Larry says that he thinks I’m using love to fill the space where hockey used to be. I was like, wow.
12:55PM — This beard has to go. Just caught a quick look at myself in a window and I look like somebody I never thought I’d be. I mean, it’s okay during the playoffs, but otherwise it’s scuzzy. My dad would knock my block off if he saw me looking like this.
1:09PM — Bought pack of razors and shave gel at a gas station, then shaved in the restroom. Add this to the list of things I will never do again. Rusty sink and smell of bad eggs. Pretty sure blood poisoning is a real possibility here. “Impulsiveness,” my new friend Larry would call this.
Hope I saved Larry’s number. He seems like a good guy to have in your corner.
4:39PM — Perfect fall day. You can have your Vegas and your palm trees and your neon and all that. I’ll take this. Smell of wood fires and also, if I know my mum, a fresh—baked pumpkin pie.
7:05PM — Dad was like, how’d you cut yourself so many damn times? Did you shave on the airplane? I was like, no but close enough.
We ordered pizza tonight. Turkey and pumpkin pie tomorrow. Brothers and all their wives and kids will be here and we’ll destroy that pie and then I’ll totally clean up in the family pool tournament in the rec room. Dad will get wrecked on cheap beer and fall asleep on a bar stool, which is an awesome trick if you’ve never seen it.
Tonight mum and dad are ordering up The Iron Lady on Netflix. Didn’t tell them I just saw it because it was awesome. I’m totally down with watching it again. Later I’ll go to sleep in my old bed that still has the old NHL sheets and comforter on it, and that’ll be as close to hockey as I’ve been in weeks now.
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event