The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.
5:40AM — Couldn’t sleep. Watched Princess Mononoke. Couldn’t shake the buck from the woods. Went for another run in the woods to see if just maybe. Sunrise run in the woods. Someone should write a poem about sunrise in the woods when running. And bucks.
8:59AM — Shower done. Sitting outside grocery store waiting for it to open to get bacon. Going through Vegas pics on phone. When was I on a tractor in Vegas?
9:47AM — Cooking breakfast for Mum and Dad. Mum likes her eggs over hard. Dad likes em snotty. This is only the beginning of their differences.
9:48AM — No really, how did I get on a tractor in Vegas? It’s definitely my shoe. Hell, it’s a photo of my shoe on the pedal. I know because it’s my phone and that’s my shoe. But how did my phone and my shoe and my foot get on a tractor in Vegas?
9:49AM — I could tell by the shadows off the arm and bucket what time it is, but which way is the tractor facing?
9:50AM — Fuck it. I was on a tractor in Vegas. Well let’s call it a bulldozer because the thing is enormous. Anyways, forgotten.
9:51AM — Was I supervised on that bulldozer? I didn’t hijack a bulldozer did I?
11:39AM — Sportsnet with Dad. He’s glued to the baseball highlights but switches to Steven and Chris when the hockey comes on. Says they had a good chilli recipe a ways back and the back exercises guy they had on was good too. Switches back to Sportsnet for more baseball. Dad says Rolen’s getting old. Wouldn’t have booted that ball a few years ago. I tell Dad it’s just baseball and he gives me cuteye.
11:42PM — I remember growing up, there was a strict rule about not saying the word “Mets” in the house. We weren’t allowed to say it. Dad got real choked and it was the on-switch for Mum to withdraw like an addict’s wife. She’d just find something to clean and Dad would go for one of his walks.
1:12PM — Whoa. Producer of Bourne trilogy would love to get Matt Damon and new Bourne guy in a fifth Bourne. So would I. Note to self. Rip into lats (been too long!) at gym, quick bike, then BTs. When you’re younger BTs are bottle tokes. When you’re a bit older, it’s Bourne trilogy. Sometimes both are awesome too.
6:00PM — Sometimes I think my lats might be bulletproof.
6:31PM — Park for gram of weed. That was greasy. I used to have a guy for that. Guy said he knew who I was. That I was in NHL. I said yeah, I’m Ilya Kovalchuk and I’ll suck your dick for coke. Tell everyone you know.
6:32PM — Weed guy: Kovalchuk’s in Russia playing in the K. Screw weed guy. And screw the K-hole. Shoulda said I was Lucic.
7:10PM — BTs down, Bourne trilogy begun. Wonder if Giroux and Briere watched Bourne before they went to Berlin. Also, Clive Owen. Forgot all about Clive Owen.
2:20AM — Baked. NHL2K12. Swedish Elite League. Busy unis. But good passers. Nice to see some old faces. Wonder what a Swedish girlfriend would be like. Do they have Swedish puck bunnies in Sweden? Maybe it would be good to find someone who didn’t know I played hockey.
Further NHL Lockout Reading:
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
- “A Fan’s Note: How to Fix the NHL” by Mike Spry
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event