The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.
7:44AM — Today’s opening night. Except it’s not. The fans are gonna hate us. At least they’ve got baseball.
7:59AM — Man, I was so baked last night. Like in high school. I ate one of those tubs of Cheesies you get at fishing stores. My controller is caked in orange shit. Played almost a full season of the SEL on NHL2K12. Skellefteå AIK was on fire. On the road to the Le Mat Trophy. Pontus Petterström was raking.
8:05AM — Reminds me of one off-season, we rented a cottage up the Muskokas, like 5 or six of us. Can’t remember if Jonesy was one of the renters or just came up a lot. Anyway, so one of the boys brings some pot, which you don’t see much around the league, but it’s off-season so there’s no testing, and we get a big ole fatty goin’. And one of us, won’t name names, but obvy a D-man, gets so lit. Think it may have been his first time. An’ he eats four cans of Chris’ dog’s food, then tries to canoe across the lake. Found him the next morning, passed out in front of the marina without any pants. No canoe either.
8:28AM — Miss the folks place already. Big breakfasts. So much bacon. Gotta hit the gym soon. There’s nowhere left to put all the Cheesies and pork. Mum crying when I left. Dad telling me to update my resume, maybe he can talk to his buddy Ed about a job with his contracting biz. Building houses. I tell Dad I’m okay with money. He doesn’t get it. He never got it.
9:02AM — Borrowed Dad’s ‘06 Silverado I bought him for the drive home. He never uses it. Only 2345km on it. Still putts around in his ‘86 F-150.
9:15AM — Fuck it. ROAD TRIP! At least I can plug my iPhone into this thing. Where we going? First stop? AC/DC. Second stop? AC/DC. Third stop? AC/DC…
9:26AM — I don’t get Timmy’s. I just don’t. Coffee is shit. Service is slow. The cups always spill on you. The staff is functionally retarded. But Canadians eat that shit up. Luckily there’s a drive-thru ‘Bucks en route. Pumpkin spice latte, bitches!
10:02AM — This Siri thing is awesome. It’s writing out everything I say. Like a fucking robot. We live in the future, man. We live in the future.
11:00PM — Occurs to me I have no idea where I’m going. To the condo? To the cottage? Maybe to Montreal, get a suite for a bit, hit the clubs. Maybe to the airport? Go south? Hit some beaches, sweet cocktails, bikinis. Problem is, no one has told us if we can travel, or how long we’ll have to get back if we do. In fact, PA tells us nothing. Even the player reps. Not even sure who’s on there. You got Spezza and Parros in there, I think. But isn’t Spez in Europe? Is it just me or does that guy look kinda Downse-y? Like his parents were cousins or something.
11:10AM — Fehr. Fehr. How do you pronounce that? Like, fear? or fair? or fa-har? or far-ve? Was never sure about that. Only met him a few times. I don’t think he or his bro know much about hockey. Totes numbers/union guys. Just want to fuck the owners as hard as possible. Like a game to them. Bettman, too, I think. Not too sure about Bill Daly. He’s bald. Likes James Blunt, apparently. Like, a lot.
12:02PM — Just driving now. Just driving. Silverado handles great for a big fella. It’s like, the Eric Cole of trucks.
1:08PM — Here’s a quick list of guys I don’t like: Marchand, Ference, Bertuzzi, Bouwmeester, Sid, Cammy, Nash, Phaneuf, Briere, Suter, Boyle.
1:19PM — Best cities to go out in after the game: Montreal, Miami, Toronto, Edmonton, Nashville, Chicago, Denver.
1:35PM — Best cities for getting a puck bunny pregnant in: Winnipeg, Ottawa, Montreal, Raleigh, St. Louis, Vancouver.
2:04PM — Best cities to go through your per diem in: New York, Nashville, LA, San Jose, Vancouver, Toronto.
2:19PM — Best cities to catch your linemate get a tugger from a tranny behind the rink after a loss in which he gave the puck away trying to make a move at his own blue line in the last two minutes of a tied game: Dallas.
3:00PM — This is usually pre-game nap time. I miss my naps. Miss my blankie.
5:18PM — Too much driving. Decided to get a room for the night. Spotted a Hilton, and I get Hilton HHonors points, so I grab a suite. Maybe just grab some beers and room service. Watch some baseball.
6:03PM — Hate the Nats. Expos fan over here.
7:07PM — Pucks should be dropping. Fuck Bettman. Fuck us. Sorry. See you tomorrow.
Further NHL Lockout Reading:
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
- “A Fan’s Note: How to Fix the NHL” by Mike Spry
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event