The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheapthroat” here.

8:23AM — Has anyone seen this show Sons of Anarchy? It’s about a bunch of gay bikers who live with their mum, who’s a prostitute. Pretty bad ass. Totally want to buy a Harley and make out with a dude right now.

9:11AM — I wonder if cats, like, love.

9:12AM — Shaved. I’m fucking good at shaving. I should be in a shaving commercial. Will talk to my agent about that. Tiger Woods was in a shaving commercial. He can’t even grow a beard. I could grow one. And shave it. No false advertising. Okay, breakfast now. Less kefir though. Makes me fart way too much.

10:18AM — This is bullshit. Fucking traded again on NHL2K12 for some computer generated draft picks and, of all people, PK fucking Subban who’s old as shit now. That being said, it is the year 2023 and my avatar is slowing. I feel my retirement is nearing as  my energy and skills bars are beginning to decrease. Got a bit choked to see Crosby retire back in 2019 last night as a Florida Panther.

10:38AM — How do I suggest to my 2K12 GM that i want to move to the Senators? I feel as I near 2K12 retirement I should be closer to the hills of Gatineau.

3:30PM — Went to gym. Thought about buying that motorcycle. Didn’t. Have a feeling league pulled out on our insurance because of Russian airlines in the K-Hole. Not a pressure tactic, just good knowledge of Russian airplanes. “Call Me Maybe” is best workout song. Hands down. The best.

5:48PM — Discovered today that the finish spa was really a Finnish spa. Still, good time.

8:19PM — The bridge from Bob Dylan to Bon Jovi is Bruce Springsteen, Dad texts me. I text Dad to get a life.

11:47PM — Twilight isn’t bad. I mean, I could never tell the boys on the team that, but Twilight isn’t bad.

12:30AM — Dad used to say that Glenn Anderson looked a lot like Richard Gere. I don’t know either of those guys. Or my Dad, really. I spent most of my teenage years away from home. Summers he was at the cottage and I was at hockey schools. Wish I knew more about Richard Gere and Glenn Anderson and especially Dad. Fuck it. Goin’ to bed.

2:22AM — Couldn’t sleep. Head a-swirling like I got cross checked in the head or something. Played more 2K12. All I did was get in fights. Getting on in my career and last fight was a doozy. Not winning ‘em like I used to. Could be the controller.

6:00AM — Goin’ to bed for real now. Will read more Twilight if I can’t sleep.

6:07AM — Shall We Dance!!! Ha! Richard Gere is that guy from Shall We Dance! Maybe he did other stuff. Don’t know. Definitely he did Shall We Dance.

Further Reading:

• “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
• “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
• The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event