The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.
11:32AM — Alright, I know what you’re thinking. What about the deal the NHL threw at us? But first let me tell what was on my mind before all this…There are a lot of fucking bicycles in Berlin. I mean a LOT. You simply ARE NOT safe just crossing the street and reaching curb. After curb there are hi-speed bicycles ripping down the asphalt going DING mutherfucking DING.
11:33PM — Lower body injury. 5-7 days. One phone number. Sonja. From the bike. Very cute. Fat lip. My fault. Nothing domestic. I crossed the bike path without looking. We’re having beers tonight. Was going to to the O2 arena to get a ticket for Eisbaren match having drinks with Sonja.
11:34AM — Right so the offer. Okay here goes. Last week the league hires a PR firm to improve its image because when you’re organization is run by a shaved troll with an MBA or law degree or whatever degree Gary Bettman got from the internet, your image is going to take a beating. Also, asking players to take a salary cut when the league is making $3 billion or so and its revenues are up by 50% makes you look like a dick. So the league offers a 50/50 split which on the surface sounds good and fair and all but it’s a loss for the players still and a win for the owners. They get a larger cut and we take a rollback. It will make players look greedy for refusing it and from what I heard this catch phrase ‘shared sacrifice’ was tested on a focus group first. Maybe it’s my lower body injury talking but that’s how I see it.
1:00PM — What will Sonja like to see me in? Should I get one of those oversized scarves all the guys are wearing here and some skinny jeans?
1:45PM — Skinny jeans a no. Not now. Not ever. You know who skinny jeans belong on? Skinny people. Namely, skinny girls. They should call them skinny girl jeans so people will know who to get them for. They’re not for guys.
1:46PM — Scarf thing is cool though.
6:00PM — So you know all those jokes and shows and movies about German girls that are beefy and oversized and kind of horrible? If there’s one thing that’s true in this world – that ain’t it. Remember what I said about Montreal and Moose Jaw. Well Berlin is basically those two rolled into one ball of hot and foreign and served fresh over on a hot plate of sizzlin yes please.
6:02PM — Walked around Mitte last night. Mitte means Middle and that’s what they call the middle of the city which might explain why Germany’s economy is the best in Europe. Anyways – walked around and counted the how many seconds or minutes passed before I saw a smoking frau (lady). Answer: 3 one thousands. As in one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand-three-one-thousand.
9:00PM — Hotel. Prepping for date with Sonja. Wonder if her lip has healed. Wonder if I should tell her who I am or what I do. What would Bourne do? Would he say, hi, I’m Jason Bourne I think, and I’m a trained assassin from I’m not sure where and I killed three people yesterday before lunch but there’s a sack full of money I keep in a bus locker and I’m a crack shot with an assassin’s rifle? Would he think a girl would go for that? What girl wouldn’t go for that?
Further NHL Lockout Reading:
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
- “A Fan’s Note: How to Fix the NHL” by Mike Spry
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event