The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.
1:32PM — Mother of God, how did I get bit in the face by a cat? Also I may be on birth control pills. Also, I’m somewhere near a barn outside Desau. Need coffee. About fifty of them. And a ride back to town. Any town. Preferably Berlin, where they may have emptied my room.
1:35PM — Backtrack kid. Backtrack. Deep breaths. Here comes a tractor.
2:34AM — Ahrensfelde: Had a fight with pharmacist this morning. Said I thought I had rabies. She: Vas? Me: Rabies. Her: Vaaaass? Me: Fucking rabies, lady! I made motions to my belly like where they’re supposed to give you an injection and then growled like an angry cat. Her: Babies? Me: No fucking lady! Please! Growled more like a cat and said raaaaaaa-biiiiees. Then she tossed me a pack of pills and I think they may be German birth control pills because I can’t read shit on the package but can’t not take them because I can’t afford to have rabies.
2:38PM — Christ.
2:47PM — Some place called Pankow. Who knows where the fuck that is. I keep asking people where Berlin and they look at me like I’m retarded. Not as warm to the Germans as I was yesterday. Fucking catbite is itchy and I’m feverish and sweating out the booze.
2:56PM — Pankow is in Berlin. Thanks Lady. Okay there’s that big radio tower. Looks like a skewered disco ball. They’ll regret that thing when everything goes wifi and no one needs radios anymore.
6:50PM — Nuekolln. Got on a tram/train thing I thought was going in the right direction then changed trains when everyone else did but went in wrong direction. In Berlin the trains are like honour system so you don’t have to pay so I didn’t because I also have no cash and I think I left my wallet outside the barn in Desau. But then some ticket guy comes and asks me for my ticket and don’t have it so I make a break for it like I’m Jason Bourne and they want me dead.
7:02PM — Face is horribly itchy. Hid in bushes until I heard some Turkish kids laughing and pointing at me. Nice kid pointed me back to the trains and said they don’t check at night. Asked him where I was. He said south side. Weird cuz I came from deep North and in the woods.
9:00PM — They check at night. Fucking kid.
9:20PM — I’m 40 Euros in the hole for not having a ticket. If I’d known it wasn’t that hefty a fine I wouldn’t have dove over the rails and into a hedge earlier.
10:39PM — Back at the hotel. Lady at hotel nice. Pulled some hedge-weeds out of my hair. They still have my room and are helping get my credit cards back. Take back everything I said about Germans. Asked her to send up 24 beers. No joke. I will slam these and forget all about today until I see a doctor about these rabies and birth control pills I think I might be on.
10:57PM — Two questions surface as I skim through the photos on the handy from last night as it charges. How did my date with Sonja end outside a barn in Desau? Was that a bad thing?
Further NHL Lockout Reading:
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
- “A Fan’s Note: How to Fix the NHL” by Mike Spry
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event