The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.
9:00AM — Let’s play a game. What’s short and arrogant with a face like a penis and instead of fucking women he likes fucking dudes who play hockey out of money that’s owed to them?
10:02AM — Woke up in a place called Vilnius today. How did I get here? Well it starts with an S and sounds like Bone ya. After handball game we talked for a long time. Told her what I was doing. We got drunk and decided to play a game. She would book a ticket for me anywhere in Europe and I had to get on the plane and go there. She has family here. And really wanted me to see this place. It was a cool game. Sonja is a cool girl. And supportive. She wasn’t expecting me to stay in Germany – but she wants me to come back. Yeah. Cool lady. Also…handball. It’s basically what happens when you turn a game of dodgeball into a floor hockey game. It’s rough and I like it. Sonja has a major thing for handball players. Whatever. Still cool sport.
11:15AM — Okay, left my hotel/apartment thing in search of food. Vilnius is in Lithuania, which is right in the middle of Europe. Quite literally. Kinda a lame spot. Not much to it. Old timey, but weird. Every menu seems to only serve potato pancakes, deep fried bread, and beer. I opt for the combo platter of all three.
11:44AM — Deep fried bread is the shit. THE. SHIT. I may never eat non-deep fried bread again.
12:00PM — Think I just ate a pigs ear. Tasted like Matty Cooke’s glove after wiping a taint.
12:49PM — The talent here is weak. All Euro-trash. Chicks all got mullets. It’s like there’s a Jaromir Jagr convention in town.
1:01PM — The town, by the way, does not consist of much. Cobblestone streets. Beer gardens. Amber and wood working kiosks. More potato pancakes. It’s okay, I guess. Just wish all the ladies didn’t look like their parents were Brad Marchand and a three-legged donkey.
2:11PM — For the record us players were willing to go 50/50 but the league wasn’t going to honour our old contracts. There you have it. What we were willing to do – meet at total fairness. League was a no though. No hope in hell for this season right now but then…wondering if that would be a bad thing. Girl got shot last week trying to go to school. I’m doin okay. I still miss hockey though. I really do.
3:04PM — Also, read more news from home once I got my Lithuanian WiFi up and running, which is apparently powered by a sleep deprived cat running a wheel. That girl who killed herself from being bullied… Alls I can say is I wish she had more friends who were hockey players. We take care of our own.
5:14AM — Just got word that my Day 34 posting never got up, and that The Barnstormer site is down. I’m not saying the NHL or the PA is trying to cut me off, but the timing is a little fucking fishy. We’ll see if I can find that entry somewheres and get ‘er up later in the week. Was pretty cut for most of it, I’d think. Sonja had me goin’. Had a good rant about Ryan Kesler being overrated, and why Mike Richards and Jeff Carter are two of the biggest dicks you’ve ever met. Oh, and a good story about poutine, a Gatorade bottle of urine, and a rookie out of the Q.
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
- “A Fan’s Note: How to Fix the NHL” by Mike Spry
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event