The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.

8:56AM — How hard is it to see Radek Bonk score? You basically have to wind your way through some mountains near the border of Poland and Czech Republic to a town called Třinec, and then sneak into the rink of Oceláři in the Czech Extraliga and heckle the shit out of him and Marty Ruzicka until he nets one. He scores a lot in practice. Didn’t do much as a Sen but he was better than Daigle.

9:04AM — Haha. Remember when Daigs wore that dress? Was he a nurse or some shit? Ha. Guys didn’t ride him that hard, ‘cause there’s an old rookie hazing we do where we dress up the rooks as girls and make them buy us drinks in the bar. But not a bar bar, but likes, the lounge at Boston Pizza or some shit. I wore a tank top and a mini into an Earl’s in Vancouver my rookie season. I was a hot chick. Not now. I’m an ugly girl now. Damn deep fried Lithuania.

9:44AM — Came to Třinec on a whim last night. May have been some bevvies involved. Drove through night after pub closed with this guy Petr who was heading there and said it was the bomb. He was right, it was the bomb. Like the bomb had landed there. Kinda place you go if you’re really into movies like Schindler’s List. But heckling Bonkers was weirdly cathartic and it’s a damn nice arena.

10:12AM — This close to Poland it was hard not to go to Poland. Or Slovakia. But I’m biased of Slovakia because that’s Chara country. It would be hard not to slash everyone I met across the arms and it would be hard to have sex with a Slovak without seeing Chara’s face. I could do it though. I could. Like the time in junior, when I had a go at [name redacted] sister in the locker room after getting tossed. Tough go, but I’m a finisher.

12:00PM — Didn’t go to Poland. Didn’t go to Slovakia. Backpedaled back to Brno and hopped a train to Vienna. Currently: on train.

3:18PM — I haven’t told anyone this but I haven’t taken a deuce since I was in Germany. They have this stuff called currywurst which translated means the worst curry. But it’s a giant steamy with curry powder thrown over it and some ketchup. I had nine of them and then hit three cheese plates the following day at this all you can eat brunch. Never take a pro-athlete to an all-you-can-eat anything. Anyways, with these beers and the running I’ve been doing, I’m worried the only water I’m getting is whatever water my body can squeeze from the potatoes I had at the train station in Brno.

5:55PM — I fear the worst for my lats. Should do some dips. Rail dips.

8:08PM — No love for the lats on the rail dips. Need something to pull down or some way to get 45 degrees and downwards with some wide grip pushups.

8:10PM — I also fear the worst for my sphincter. I know there’s something coming but what? Why didn’t I treat this more seriously?

8:11PM — You only get one asshole.

10:22PM — Sweet mother of god. Abdomimal pains. This horse is coming, ridin’ hard from deep in the intestine, charging hard. Ain’t lookin friendly. Ain’t.