The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheapthroat” here.
11:58AM — Ever have a good look at your balls? They’re totes weird. Like, weirder than goalies. I met a chick outside the dressing room in Detroit who offered me 10 grand for a photo of my left ball. I let her take the photo, but I’m still waiting for the cheque. She said she mailed it.
12:14PM — What’s up with “Gangnam Style”? That dude is crazy!
12:43PM — Nash and Thornton sign in Switzerland. Hear Spezza is going over, too. Man, I wish my agent would call me back. I think I’m getting fat.
2:32PM — I think I have nine abs. Always knew there was an 8 pack in there. Nice, bonus ab. Will call him Lucky.
3:07PM — Spezza is going over. is it just me, or is he goofy looking, like, something isn’t right?
3:48PM — Just watched this thing on YouTube, and it’s these two llamas and they’re wearing hats, and they do stuff. Llamas. In hats. Oh. My. God.
4:02PM — Paulina Gretzky is so hot, and I kinda want to do her, but she looks too much like Wayne. So, it would be like doing a dude, except it would be Wayne, which isn’t gay because, like, it’s Wayne.
6:01PM — Someone should mashup “Gangnam Style”, “Call Me Maybe”, and “Blinded by the Light”. Whaaaaaat? Wouldn’t that be rad? Wish I knew how to do that. They don’t teach you that kinda stuff in junior.
6:14PM — Whoa. Whoa. “Blinded by the Light” was written by Bruce Springsteen. I feel like a monster. I remember the kid’s bloody face in high school who told me it was Bruce and I tuned him when he snickered after I corrected him that it was Manfred Mann. I should try to find him. Fuck. This lockout needs to end. Going for a run. Hopefully there’ll be someone jogging in yoga pants at a good clip I can trail behind.
7:48PM — Four fucking kilometres. Four! Trailed yoga pants for 5K before I inched closer and saw it was a dude. Middle distance runners: fuck youuuuuu! Anyways, “Call Me Maybe” — best running song. Hands down. Best. Also on rotation: Linkin Park and 4 Non-Blondes. Was maybe caught singing a few bars but fuck it. I’m in the fucking show. Or at least I was. Illy signed in the K-Hole and they made him captain. Dumb fuck. Captian K-Hole if you ask me.
8:55PM — Pasta for dinner.
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event