• Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer, Day 5

    by  • September 21, 2012 • Cheap Throat, Hockey • 1 Comment

    The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheapthroat” here.

    8:01AM — Feel kinda bad these guys are bein sent home from rinks cuz of this lockout. They’re great fellas and I feel kinda shitty that when they look at some photo with one of their kids with me or the boys that they’ll be thinkin this is the prick who made me miss my house payments. It takes eight owners for Bettman, that fuck, to get consensus. Guy should be running the Kremlin except I was watching a movie yesterday where Val Kilmer and the chick from karate kid have to disarm a time machine or something and basically there is no Kremlin anymore. Not because the time machine went off or anything but just history. A whole nation of people fed up with power hungry ruskies like Bettman. no offence to the Russian guys in the league. Except Ovi, that cunt.

    10:08AM — Sometimes, just sometimes, I worry that carrots have feelings. But not broccolis. I don’t give a fuck about no broccoli.

    11:32AM — In my first year of junior we were on a roader and all the rookies had to drop their drawers and start whackin it. Last guy to come had to eat it. Kept thinking about my cousin Sadie which isn’t wrong because she’s so hot she’d make a retarded right and a right man retarded and plus I wasn’t actually doing her but then when I was done (2nd place, hello!) I couldn’t stop thinking that if we were in another country I could marry Sadie. Honestly, I don’t even know who finished last. I just remember staring out the window watching the trees go by thinking about all that.

    2:56PM — I remember now who finished last on that bus. We were up by four goals that night and coach put him on with 2 minutes left and he got drawn into a scrap — probably his first — and definitely his last. he got his bell rung hard and rode the rafters til he got traded for a fourth rounder to some town no one heard of. Hopefully he got hit hard enough he forgot the bus ride.

    3:12PM — Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! Today is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas!

    4:18PM — Couldn’t get kid from bus ride out of head today. So I created him on 2K12. Bussy Semin. Bussy’s what the boys on the team call him because they can’t pronounce his first name. Kid’s comin up the junior ranks but he needs more ice to show the scouts that speed and his shot I’d weak. Got him doin drills and autoplaying his games while I near retirement on my own season. It’s 2025. my guy is slow and was demoted to third line. still on every shootout though.

    Further Reading:

    Cheap Throat

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    Cheap Throat is a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever.

    One Response to Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer, Day 5

    1. John Coktostone
      October 18, 2012 at 14:37

      I am HOOKED on NHL 12. I just won the Cup with the Kings last night, but it was against Pittsburgh instead of Jersey. I heard 13 doesn’t allow you to constantly shove guys around after the whistle or check players through the glass. What the hell fun is that?

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