The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.
12:35PM — Everything happens for a reason. I repeat. Everything. Happens. For. A. Reason.
12:36PM — Except the lockout. That happens because owners don’t want to have leagues as successful as the NFL, NBA, or MLB. But everything else..happens. For. A. Reason.
12:37PM — Take yesterday. The rental car. I was sitting on a train ready to go to Philly for my Rocky moment when the phone rings and I have to leave to pick up a car I forgot I rented which then got towed. Now you might think all that happened so I could piss on Fehr’s car while dressed like a homeless person, but that’s not why that happened. It happened so I would stay another night in New York and see Elizabethtown. Hang on. Exit coming….
12:42PM — So, Elizabethtown, I mean it’s kind of like Bourne Identity if you sub the spying for crying and change the fighting with the government to fighting with in-laws. Bloom there still has to figure out who he really is and when he does, thanks to a lady (Bourne 1, hello), he’s off to the races. Or rather…he’s off on the ultimate roader with a stack of mixed CD’s down the interstate to release his dad’s ashes. It was a sign.
12:43PM — Not that I have to kill my dad and bury his ashes. It was a sign for a roader. Jesus how did I not think of that? Obviously you can’t do a roader without a decent road vehicle so I fired up Craigslist last night and found a fuggin beaut!
12:44PM — So here’s how it goes down. I don’t buy the thing. I just rent it. But it’s a rental built for me because I can turf it when I’m done just like I did the car except I won’t get billed for it. I can’t do all the paperwork and stuff so I pay my man – let’s call him Orlando – I pay Orlando the 7k he wants for the thing, he keeps it in his name and when I’m done with it I call him and he cancels the insurance or he can come get it and sell it again. New Yorkers are the best.
1:00PM — Except John Tortorella. What a dick.
1:15PM — I’m not gonna do the Elizabethtown thing. I mean I’m not going to Nashville. Too many bad memories. I’ll probably head westish. Like Minnesota. I bought skates this morning. Wearing em right now – gotta break in those babies. A bit hard to drive with but getting used to it. This puppy’s a bus. I should pick up hitchhikers.
1:15PM — I should not pick up any hitchhikers.
2:00PM — Holy shit.
2:01PM — Carly Rae Jepson on the bus in every speaker. In my skates, on the Winnebegbus, Winnie, Winsie, it’ll come just give it time. Chugging along. Chugsie. Chugsabigbus. Bus-chugger.
3:00PM — Chuggin some bus.
3:10PM — Chilly in here.
3:11PM — Will do that Rocky run. Bought the sweats. Do you know how hard it is to find straight up grey sweats that don’t say PhatPharm or somehting stupid on them? Anyways. Got em.
4:00PM — Really chilly in here. Can see my breath.
4:30PM — Orlando you fuck. The heat doesn’t work. Oh well, stereo does and I know you know what it’s cranking.
4:32PM — Beard’s coming in again.
5:55PM — Free fallin’.
6:00PM — Dark out. Roy Orbison. Thinking about Sonja. Kinda wish she was riding shotgun. Wonder what she’s doing right now.
6:30PM — I wanna play road hockey. And shinny. Get back to the roots. Get back to hockey. Picked up some weights so I can work out in here. Not sure how far I’ll go, or if it’s safe to go to Minnesota nearing winter in an RV with no heat. This is probably what playing in the K-Hole is like.
7:00PM — I know what you’re thinking – I got stroked on the price cuz the heat don’t work. But I made just over the price of this thing per day last year before taxes.
7:01PM — With one or two more concussions I would probably buy a fleet of these things. 365 heatless Windy Daygos. There we go. Windydaygo.
7:20PM — The open road…Ever wish sometimes your car was the size of a giant transformer or spaceship so instead of driving through Boston you could just drive over it? Like over the houses, and mostly the barn where fuckface and his shit-eating Bruins play. Me too.
8:08PM — Okay seriously what the fuck am I doing in Vermont? This is bullshit.
8:11PM — Ugh! Okay diary out. Gotta pull the old Windydaygo around and get on this. Fucking iPhone map is fucked. What happened when I was in Europe? This shit is new. Need fries. Fuck everything. Philly…I am coming for you. Ungh!
Further NHL Lockout Reading:
- “Hockey Night in Ramallah” by Ian Orti. Diplomats smuggling hockey sticks, suitcases full of Canadian Tire balls, and a CBC News cameraman welding nets for league in Palestine.
- “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
- “A Fan’s Note: How to Fix the NHL” by Mike Spry
- “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
- The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event