• Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer, Day 59

    by  • November 16, 2012 • Cheap Throat, Hockey • 1 Comment

    The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.

    6:30PM – Dun Dunh D-D-dunh d-Dunh-Dunnaaa

    6:30PM – DA D-D-Danh da DUNH DunAAAAA

    6:30PM – Dun-Dunna Dunnhh D-Dunn-DuNAAA!!!!!

    6:30PM – Dunnah-Duuuuuuunnnhhh!!!!!!!!!!

    6:30PM – Dunnnah-DUUUNHHHHH!!!!!

    6:30PM – Dunnah-Duuuuuuunnnhhh!!!!!!!!!!

    6:30PM – Dunnnah-DUUUN- DUNNAHHHHH!!!!!

    6:30PM – Dun-Dunn Dunna-Dunh- D-Dunnaaahhhh

    6:30PM – Dunna Dunnh Du-Du-Dunnaaaahhh

    6:30PM – DUNH -DUNNA DUNN da Dunnaa DUHN-D-NAAAA

    6:30PM – Dunnah-Duuuuuuunnnhhh!!!!!!!!!!

    6:31PM – Eat your heart out Rocky.

    6:31PM – Eat your heart out Philly.

    6:32PM – What a day.

    6:33PM – Started in Massachusetts last night. Was sleeping side-road when I get this knock on the door. Thought it was a cop. Or a serial killer. You never know. But then figured a serial killer wouldn’t knock so then opened the door and realized a serial killer would totally knock but this serial killer was blazing hot so figured it was okay. Anyway – I’d parked in the lane of this secluded dance studio retreat place in the woods. Turned my head out and there was this group of folks out with flashlights and whatnot. Buncha lean fit women and a few dudes with beards and skinny legs. Real lean. Turned out they were dancers too.

    6:35PM – Anyways – they offer me a place to stay in this big house and we’re all in drinking roiboos (did I say that right?) tea and eating steamed kale.

    6:40PM – Steamed kale. Who knew. Will add that to the repertoire. Was dead tired and they hooked me up with blankets and said to meet them for breakfast and yoga at sunrise if I was up for it.

    6:41PM – I was up for it. Thank sweet mother of all lords and Vishnu or whoever I was up for it. Dancers, guy.

    6:45PM – Used to getting up early. Seriously. Sleeping in for me means waking up at seven. No alarm. Was up around six thirty – still dark. Walked into the main hall – this place is deep in the woods – and all I could smell was ginger and pepper and cardamom or something. Some kind of tea. Chai or something. Not starbucks chai. I said, hey it smells like a Starbucks drink and got some snickers for that. Not the chocolate bar. Like laughs.

    6:50PM – Once scored this beaut of a beaut goal where I undress one D and then pulled the puck between my legs while evading a check and the thing lands on the tape where my blade basically kisses the puck and says yeah you can’t stay buddy and then kiss flicks the thing upstairs. Highlight of the night stuff. And it was. Teammates were all – No way – how did you do that?

    6:51PM – Basically that was me in yoga this morning. My shit is flexible and tight. You know that move when a ripper goes upside down on a pole? I can do that. That and a shitload of other yoga moves. Mad respect from the dancers. Mad love to the dancers.

    7:00PM – Breakfast was next and then they went into the main studio to do their workshop thing. I hit the sauna next. Small hut in the middle of the woods next to this quarry. Probs lost about 5lbs in there. Place was pitch black. Stumbled out and dipped in this icy quarry. Funny thing…Then the door opens and this tall drink of Denmark walks out steaming like she was made of mist or something. Totally naked. She just stretches. Arms out. Then kneels by the water where I am and smiles and cups some of the icy water over her arms. I don’t have words. Religious experience. Then she goes back in and I follow her. But nothing happens.

    7:31PM – I could have made something up there. Could have said we went drills. But we didn’t. I went back in because I was gettin cold and then sat in silence in the dark. It was beautiful. I could hear her breathe. She could probably hear me sweat. And just like, beautiful silence. Then there was a bit of light and I could see her open the door – this tall silhouette of her naked body and she whispered goodbye. Then I whispered goodbye.

    7:32PM – I’ll never forget that. That one’s stamped. Just a beaut. God’s country kinda stuff. Like a sign or something. A big tall steaming naked dancing Danish sign that whispers goodbye and disappears in the woods.

    7:33PM – Gotta think on that.

    8:30PM – Then Philly. The steps. Parked War Horse not far from those steps then did this big circuit, like through the park there, and around all the statues and trees, and ending up there.

    8:31PM – So righteous. So yeah… Philly. Nice place. Don’t usually get to see much of it because the barn is way down there with the other stadiums and shit. Like marooned out there in south Philly. But also, I mean, c’mon, it’s Philly — if you don’t arrive in Philly as a visitor with hate in your heart it’s gonna be a long night. But it’s actually kinda nice here.

    8:32PM – Need to find a stall for War Horse. And then a hotel. And then a Philly cheese steak. Prolly just call em cheese steaks here though.

    8:33PM – Dunno though. Maybe I should find some quinoa and steamed kale. Honour the day kinda thing. Will see.

    Further NHL Lockout Reading:

    Cheap Throat


    Cheap Throat is a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever.

    One Response to Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer, Day 59

    1. John Coktostone (fake doctor)
      November 18, 2012 at 08:26

      I did two things you DID NOT do yesterday. I actually played in a real hockey game with refs and the whole deal. I also scored two goals. Fuck Fehr, Bettman, and the fucking owners. This league is on dicey ground. That’s just my opinion.

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