The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheapthroat” here.

8:00AM — Woah. Woah. The players just got locked out by the cyber-owners in 2K12, in 2026. Now instead of playing, I spend all my time in CBA meetings and press conferences. Woah. Meta, Did I just blow you mind? I blew my mind.

10:14AM — I think I’ve developed an allergy to coffee and Sudafed. I pee all the time, I constantly feel like I’m having a heart attack, and my head feels like I just went a round with Georges Laraque. I wonder if we still have healthcare while on strike. Must call agent.

11:23AM — You ever post directly on someone’s Facebook wall when you meant to send them a private message? How do you delete that?

11:24AM — Too late. Smitty saw it, and now the boys are giving me the gears good. I should just get a Twitter. Paul Bissonnette is apparently mad popular on there, which I don’t get ‘cause dude is a total douche, and has the hands of a Portuguese brick layer.

1:18PM — I’ve got a great idea for a TV show. This NHLer can’t get a job in Europe during a lockout, so goes to a community college and gets his PI license, and in PI license class he meets this hot chick named Haven, and they start their own PI firm called Thin Ice Private Investigations. And, he’s got great catch phrases, like “two minutes for dying” or “keep your stick on the ice” or “I’ll put it in her penalty box”. Who do you call when you’ve got a good TV show idea? Don Cherry? And the show is called Thin Ice. Or Blades. Or Fist & Cuffs.

2:02PM — I’m at a Starbucks, drinking decaf, which tastes like Jeremy Roenick. Dude across from me is doing a Rubik’s cube. Loser.

2:04PM — Where do you buy Rubik’s Cubes? Totally need to get one. I got all red once. True story.

3:15PM — I change my mind. The show is called Icing.

4:18PM — How is there not more fighting in baseball. I’d punch the first baseman in the head every time I got a single, just to show him who’s boss, and that you don’t mess with my team. Also, why does the manager wear a jersey and all? Weird.

9:27PM — I was thinking of getting a tattoo, marking the days we’re locked out. Like in prison movies, when they put strikes on the cell wall for each day. Except I’d get them on my back. I’d probs need a lot of ointments, though.

10:47PM — My cousin Sadie just sent me a really angry email. Anyone know what a garglefuck is? Is it bad? I think it might be bad. Hope my mum doesn’t find out. I totes afraid of my mum.

Further Reading:

• “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
• “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
• The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event