The Barnstormer has secured the cooperation of a locked-out NHL player who has agreed to document each day he is kept out of action on the condition that we do not reveal his identity. Ever. Read all the daily diary entries of “Cheap Throat” here.

9:00AM — I have to not be on the Internet when I’m loaded. What the fuck am I supposed to do with the glass swan? Will ask Mum if she wants a glass swan. If not, could be fun to take it to the driveway and fire off some pucks at it.

9:02AM — I have to not be on Facebook when I’m loaded. Or I at least have to be more subtle when I’m on there. Seem to be getting defriended a lot, though Sean Avery loved my post about Mark Messier and that time that rookie in Vancouver woke up naked next to him in a hotel. That happened a lot with Moose. What a great centreman. Before Jay Z ran New York with Kanye, it was Mark Messier with Mark Messier. There was once a time way back when in midget that I totally ran Pembroke.

11:12AM — I should workout today. I’ll go for a run. Seem to be doing that a lot. Running. Got hammered alone last night, and then went for a run. Ran til I cried. What the hell is wrong with me?

11:59AM — Christian Ehrhoff signs in Germany and gets a hero’s welcome. When is the last time Christian fucking Ehrhoff got a hero’s welcome other than in Buffalo where anyone with a full set of teeth and a steady part-time job can get a hero’s welcome. Answer: Germany.

12:45PM — Agent called, asked for a list of countries I’d be willing to play in. My answer was Canada and the US. There was a long sigh.

1:12PM — I hate Gary Bettman. Everyone hates Gary Bettman. Half this lockout is about Gary Bettman versus the players that hate his fuckin guts. What am I going to do after hockey? Maybe finish high school. What will Bettman do after hockey? Probably join a law firm or run for Mayor of Buffalo. He’d be a good mayor. Like Mario Cuomo and that guy from New York who sounds like a mobster.

2:18PM — Investigations going on in Montreal about the mafia. No way? If you seen what I seen in Montreal, you know who’s running stuff there. Kovalev, the tits [ed. Kostitsyn] brothers, Joe Theo, why aren’t they testifying? Ask Theo why he let in some of the softest goals in his career in Montreal, then you find out who runs that town.

6:22PM — A flatscreen. Must have ordered it for the kitchen. Found it in the garage. Desdemona must have put it there one day when she was cleaning. I’d put it up, but need tools. Should get some tools. And maybe those framed movie posters I  was talking about.

8:33PM — Decided to play my 2K12 guy to death. See if I can outlast Chelios. No more hands on the shootout and mostly lingering on third line. Slow as shit and prone to injury. Little Bussy Semin coming up the ranks though.

11:55PM — Took some Ambien the trainer gave me a case of so that I can get some Zs. I miss the trainers. You ever try to forge a scrip for Demerol? I suck at it. Plus I get real nervous in line at the pharmacy. Which reminds me, what’s an apothecary? Gotta look that one up. Sounds real old timey.

1:12AM —  If I can’t get some sleep, Imma gonna count pucks knocking Bettman in the dick. Shea Weber shots, not Chara shots. Chara’s a dick. Everything in Boston is a dick. Fuck the Bruins. Haha. The word dick is funny. Like cheesecloth. Or applesauce. Or muffinny.

Further Reading:

• “Cheap Throat: The Diary of a Locked-Out NHLer“. Read all the other entries here.
• “Complicit in the NHL’s Demise: How the NHL & its players hate hockey, and how the fan is at fault” by Mike Spry
• The Barnstormer’s Take Hockey Back fan protest event