THE EUROPEAN MONKEY, or White Ape, part of the subfamily Coccerpithecinae, are  found throughout Europe.  Five species of Euro-primates are commonly recognized, although there is some disagreement about whether they are really full species or subspecies. They are Major. Arsus (southern Europe), F.Uchingdeebags (found in the far eastern regions), H. Amardalways (found in Northern Europe),  U. Twats (Great Britain, Ireland) and C. Entralprich (found in central Europe). They range in size and weight depending on species and their diet is relatively carbohydrate-rich. Although many are distinguished by frequent unemployment, limited education, limited desire to travel and a feverish passion for repressive government, many can also be found in higher altitude corporate boardrooms and national assemblies. They show a distinct fear of homo sapiens, particularly those with high levels of melanin or Judaism, and hostile behavior is frequently exhibited towards these groups. They travel in packs. They keep their hair short. The love footballfutbolsoccer and they speak the same language: a mono-syllabic grunt known simply as a “monkey chant.”

The most recent sighting of White Apes was at a practice pitch in Poland where Dutch players were the subject of “monkey chants” during their practice before the losing match against Denmark. Officials also spotted the European primates at the tournament opener featuring Russia and the Czech Republic where monkey chants were heard as Czech defender Theodor Gebre Selassie was taking a corner kick. Although Italian forward Mario Balotelli has threatened to leave the field if racially abused — an act of protest that would cost him a yellow card — the Czech defender said it would take more than rocks being hurled at him by racist fans to make him leave the field.

Russia’s football federation was charged by UEFA for the attack and hospitalization of four stewards in Wroclaw stadium in Poland by White Apes of Russia after the 4-1 victory over the Czechs. It’s on YouTube if you’re into that sort of thing.

Out of the Jungle and on the Field

Italy vs. Spain

Google “italy+spain+euro 2012” with a “past 24 hours” filter and you’ll get 11,400,000 hits. Go there for analysis.

It was a tie game. Both teams proved they were good. At the same time.

Ireland vs. Croatia

Both teams ended their previously held streaks as Ireland went down to the referees once again. Ireland might do better to change their name to the Republic of Roger, since it’s a sound rogering they get from officials in international competition. Remember that hand ball in the World Cup qualifier against France? No? Ireland does. They might also remember a missed offside call that led to Croatia’s game winning goal and a foul on captain Robbie Keane in the penalty area in the second half. Two game changers. Ireland has evidently taken half their squad from the national rugby team. I’ve seen smaller houses than some of these Irish players.

The Barnstormer bank card is still operational, though I was not able to extract the maximum. I suspect there may be a limit to Michelle’s tolerance of my European spending habits. I will take in tonight’s game at the neighbourhood ping pong park where a big screen and 3 Euro steaks have been made available. God bless ping pong, and 3 Euro steaks.

Day 4 Previews

Ukraine vs. Sweden

Ukraine will play Sweden. The colours of both teams are yellow and blue so it’s a home game for Sweden too.

England vs. France

This one is hotly anticipated. No pressure on England who lately have been taking consistent shits in their own bed in international competitions. They have firepower, but men with great firepower under intense pressure are known to shoot themselves in the foot. Or worse. Their Italian stepfather, Fabio Capello, left the family in February, but now their real dad, Roy Hodgson, is home.

France, coming off their karmically inspired meltdown from the World Cup (see: hand ball against Ireland in WC qualifier), have a handsome streak of 21 unbeaten games and 9 goals in their last three going into this match. They’ve been sticking it to England for a thousand years. Why should they stop now?